Written July 23, 2008
I write because I have been having bouts of confusion, trying to figure out how to deal with this life transition. As I pack up my life in Austin, in preparation for my move to the Caribbean I find myself having a whole new emotional experience… one that I have never experienced before. I think it is ambivalence at its meanest. My desire and enthusiasm about going into the Peace Corps for 27 months is at such odds with my love of Austin, family and friends, and I am having a hard time pinpointing just how to feel about it all. Every day I go through a whirl wind of emotion; I experience everything from exhilaration as I pack and get ready to embark on an unforgettable adventure, to crying my eyes out as I sit back in my empty room recalling the faces and memories of the beautiful people in my life.
Austin is my second home. It is a part of who I have become. When I first set out on this journey I wasn’t certain if it was the right choice. After much prayer and meditation, it became clear that joining the Peace Corps would be entirely inline with my life goals and commitments, and becoming a PCV was what my Spirit was guiding me to do. With that the time came for me to hit ‘submit’ on my online application, and I did so with no reservations and no hesitations.
Given that, when the anticipation and battling emotions are overwhelming my heart, I suppose I must be thankful that I don’t have to make any decisions about those feelings. Often times I am plagued with indecision, feeling conflicted over some big life decision, e.g., deciding where to go to graduate school (that one was a doozy). However, this is not one of those times, and I can move forward, courageously, knowing that when I decided nearly a year ago to submit my application I did so with complete confidence.
As I write, I realize that I must not confuse an inundation of emotions with ambivalent conflict. It is certain that I will leave; it is what I chose for my life. I can gain great peace in knowing my mind is already made up. My love of my friends, family, Austin and sadness to leave them for this period of time can be honored suitably, and my excitement about departing to a foreign land doesn’t need to muddle my heart.
